"" Three Ladies and a Dad: Child of Divorce

Monday, August 10, 2009

Child of Divorce

I grew up in a happy family...well rounded parents, loving and warm. Sisters that are more like best friends. I had a fun childhood with a smart, hard working dad and a great stay at home mom.

Once I hit about 17, I met the man of my dreams, fell in love and became pregnant at 18. Another child after that and we were married...I was praying (and still pray) for a long lasting marriage. Up until the night before the wedding, I told Jeremy, "If you want out, get out now. No questions asked. This is it. Divorce is not an option."

Little did I know, soon enough, I would be the child of one.

It has been the hardest thing, by far, I have ever experienced in my life.

For anyone that assumes it may be easier when you are grown, think again. To think about all the memories of your childhood - family dinners, relaxing Sundays, holidays, inside jokes- all just ripped apart at the seams. Yeah I know, I still have the memories. But it is not the same.

For instance, I now wonder if the girls will remember that last time they stayed the night with Grandma and Papa. Will they remember Sundays there?

For anyone that assumes it may be easier when you are grown, think again. You may think you are old enough to handle the details. At first you may be. But as time goes on, I wish I knew nothing. I am not strong enough. They are still my parents. I love them unconditionally no matter what.

I do not handle this, can not handle this, any better than a five year old. Sometimes it is just too tough. Nothing that a cartoon can distract.

I find myself here, close to a year later, still dealing with all of it. It still hurts me. I am angry, heartbroken and bitter. Hurt that my parents, my girls' grandparents turned into this. Angry that everything was taken away from me...just like that. Heartbroken that people can go from spending day in and day out with each other to practically hating each other. Bitter that I can not do a thing about any of it.

I am just ready for things to be civil.

It's scary for me. Since that day, I have told so many friends, "Do not let me divorce. DO NOT. No matter what happens." I have told them to hold me accountable.

It just all around sucks.

{I have yet to talk about my parent's divorce on here in depth for one reason - they both read my blog. Mom & Dad, when you see this, I just had to vent and this allowed me to do just that. Please do not bring this up. KThanksBye}


Angie said...

My parents got divorced after I was married too. I totally agree with what you are saying. It is so hard to lose your sense of family just when you really need it for you and your kids.

It does get easier, less painful (it's now been 8 years) but it never feels right. It has really pushed me to develop my own family stronger and I am more protective of our need to be together and create memories together. That part has started to kindof fill in the gaps created by the divorce.

Hang in there - I have tried to express my true emotions on my blog and was so criticized by my family I stopped.

Good for you! Your emotions matter - they won't change your parent's minds but they are still important.

SarahHub said...

I know what you're going through and my heart hurts for you. My parents divorced when I was in high school, and it's still hard.

Praying for you...

April said...

I hate to hear any of this with the situation, your feelings...any of it. I always thought your parents were the 'perfect' couple too! When I heard of this, I was blown away and thought, at first, that it was just an ugly rumor. I hope things get better/easier for you and your family soon!!!

When I was reading about you and Jeremy, the memories started coming back to me from back then! haha (I will leave them as memories to us and not on here lol) I thought you were younger than that when you and him started talking?! I know people thought your age difference was going to be an issue, but for those who were around you guys KNEW that you guys were great together. Of course you guys had your difference, but what is a relationship if you DONT have differences ya know! You guys just went with what was natural to you both and now look at your lives together.......I dont think it could get much better with you :)

Whitney said...

I feel the exact.same.way. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth.

You know I'm always here (literally in the same driveway - ha!) if you ever need to talk.

girlymama said...

thanks for sharing. my friend's parents are getting divorced right now and this was so helpful to get a glimpse into what she might be going through.

Christy said...

So, so sorry for this painful time. We never stop being the kids, do we? Praying for peace for you today.